Thursday, June 2, 2011
Roland Garros 2011: Men's Semifinals Preview
Monday, May 30, 2011
Roland Garros 2011: Men's Quarterfinals Preview

Sunday, May 29, 2011
Roland Garros: All H̶a̶i̶l̶ Fail AbFab
“By Gad, sir, you are a character. There's never any telling what you'll say or do next, except that it's bound to be something astonishing.”
-- Kasper Gutman, The Maltese Falcon
It was billed as the “starter” match no one would be interested in. But it ended up upstaging “main features” Nole/Gasquet and JJ/Fran.
Ladies and Gents, I give you AbFab.
Nothing I can say will do credit to this utterly outrageous force of nature.
He is quite simply, the playa’s (as opposed to the player’s) playa, someone that causes impropriety itself to look on with a mixture of befuddlement and awe.
At 7-6 down, and with Montanes only two points away from victory, he reared up (apparently in pain) and simply stood there, forcing the umpire Louise Engzell to come down from the chair. After a brief chat, she appeared to indicate that he should call the trainer. Which of course he did, and that was that.
What followed was something between a burlesque panto and car crash TV.
AbFab’s tweaked muscle fibre prevented him from propelling upwards on serve, which would result in him foot faulting more times than his opponent hit aces – I personally counted 8. Did he take a step or two back behind the baseline before serving to correct for this ? What do you think?
Between the foot-fault idiocy, Montanes’s utterly corrupt decision to go all “Berrer” on us, and AbFab’s ridonkulous thwacked winners he produced (sometimes on match point down) to go on and actually win this thing – all in a state of near-total immobilisation – I’m not sure there was much actual tennis left.
The rules are simple: A muscle cramp does not constitute an injury, but you can call on the trainer for a pulled muscle.
Perhaps all the ragging on AbFab and Louise Engzell was, therefore, misplaced, as not even he (let alone Engzell) can know which of the two (if any) is the cause of the pain; all the same, it does represent a grey area in the rules. And grey areas are open both to umpire misjudgement and exploitation.
Whatever. Third year running RG has come good in putting on an outrageously spectacular offering of one form or another. In this case of the comical rather than the seismic variety.
As an event it simply stands alone, just like AbFab does as a drama queen. No one even comes close. Not even JJ.
And if he ends Nole’s streak, it will be the single most spectacular act of cultural vandalism in the history of sport.
I can’t wait.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Roland Garros: “Ladies & Gentlemen - Light is Suspended due to Awesome Play”
Don’t ask me about the match.
I only saw the first half of it on a live stream, which switched over inexplicably, at the beginning of the third set, …to Football.
Not premier league football mind you, not even Bundesliga football – but by the looks of it, a Sunday league event that might follow a village fete held somewhere in the provincial outskirts of Hungary.
I’m told it was good tennis. Best of the week even.
Which, to be honest, the tournament needed it to be.
It’s a sorry, and somewhat sodden, state of affairs when the rains wash out nearly two days of play, and the closest you get to having your fire lit involves Muzzard outlasting Reeshie in a match ‘The Talanted One’ should have won, and a more literal take on Lights Out Tennis.
How is it possible for a match on Chatrier involving two top twenty players – one of whom is not simply a home favourite, but the hottest player on tour right now with recent wins over Henin and Venus – to not receive even a minutes worth of coverage?
Oh I’m miffed alright. And by the looks of it, I’m not the only one.
Nice to know that whatever differences may exist with those folks over the pond, our respective broadcasters remain equally clueless and out of touch with their fanbases on what exactly constitutes ‘Box Office’ Tennis.
I’ve no qualms with having to sit through Marin procrastinating over closing out another one of those five setters he’s so fond of.
I’ve long since made my peace with the tennis universe ceasing to exist for the four or five sets it seems to take Murray to close out his matches nowadays.
And you can’t fault them for electing to broadcast the defending champion’s last gasp (didn’t see it, didn’t regret not seeing it), a result that will land Kuzzie around #18 in the rankings in two weeks time. 2005, before you ask, was when she last “did time” there.
But it’s a little much, is it not, when you’re forced to sit through Dementcha taking the path of least conformance through to a blundering three set victory over Aleksandra Wozniak – knowing as you do, how you’re being actively denied the sumptuous treats on offer in Chatrier.
And let’s reserve that pose for when you’re able to elevate your play to the level it was at during Wimby last year, shall we?
I didn’t sit around, as it happened, electing to use the “down time” to stock up on bog roll and beverages.
I returned to discover that I’d missed out on the event’s greatest shindig of the week. Both women had seen three match points come and go before, at 7-7, light was suspended due to awesome play.
***
-- “Viewer, I bagelled him”
And if you can’t place that reference I’ll find you unwell-read (or well-unread).
Nice to know that whatever else might be happening, the Naderer age of blemish-free straight-sets wins in the early rounds of Slams is upon us once more.
Leister tried to make things happen, but seemed as much a part of the furniture as Roddick was in Oz 2007, and before he knew it had been bagelled and was watching Federer double fault at match point. Not quite blemish free then.
-- Wawa bundled out AbFab in straights in a match I’m guessing no one knew was happening and no one cared about enough to see even if they did.
AbFab seems to me to resemble the the type of provincial Italian Charlotte Bartlett might have been keen to protect Lucy Honeychurch from in ‘A Room with a View’ , or for that matter, the strawberry sucking Adonis type that did seduce Winona Ryder in ‘How to Make an American Quilt’.
In other words, exactly the kind of shallow journeyman you don’t expect to make many waves on tour.
I wanted to sock him one when he made such a song and dance of wanting to stop play that night (and it was night) against La Monf – but I seem to have come away with a new found respect for the way in which he then held serve.
Poetic justice served then on La Monf and the-powers-that-be? I think so.
Wawa to play Federer next – ideally it’ll take a little longer than it did in Madrid.
-- Albert Montanes played 9 clay court events coming into the FO.
I’ve got this image in my head of Ed Rooney (of Ferris Bueller Fame) complaining to Albert Montanes’ management team about “how he’s been seen skipping the tour in favour of lower-tier clay court events no less than nine times this season......nine times."
Someone mind doing the research and telling me which ones?
(Photos: Getty)
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Day 5: Rain

Getty
Fabio Fognini shut down Gael Monfils 9-7 in the fifth and the French crowd actually applauded the Italian's effort. That was perhaps the biggest highlight of the day, given the drama that unfolded in the dark last night.
Andy Roddick lost his serve seven times and still won his match. That might not seem like a big deal, but I've never seen Roddick remain composed on any surface, much less his least favorite, when his opponent is returning his first serves with interest and breaking almost at will. If the American has ever been more patient, suffice it to say I've never noticed.
As for Blaz Kavcic. What a fighter. I overlooked all his gamesmanship today (imagine that) and just focused on his game. His return of serve is top notch. Yes, the conditions were slow and Roddick wasn't able to penetrate the court, but Kavcic got his racquet on more serves than I would have imagined and actually placed them well. If he ever developed a serve he might be a complete player.
To develop that complete game, he's got to get off the clay every once in a while. This is the time of year Americans are berated for their inability to "construct points" and slide on the slippery stuff, claims I just don't buy, especially since the evidence of things seen betrays such nonsense, but clay court specialists, exactly what the Kavcic is, can benefit from playing on faster surfaces so they're forced to at least consider developing a serve. Starting the point with a weak serve on clay is fine, but the Slovenian's serve would be eaten for lunch on hard courts or the lawns.
I wasn't able to watch much else today and with all the rain there wasn't much else to watch. If anyone saw any of the other matches, please give us an update in the comments.
Till tomorrow....
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Roland Garros: If only you could see me now…If only you could see me at all.
Fognini: “You can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension
by mooning you guys”
Pat Mac called it “One of the most amazing sights that I could barely see.”
Play was suspended at 5-5 in the fifth due to what was charitably termed “bad light”.
Gael had been insistent about wanting to play on at 4-4. Fabio was docked a point for holding up play after he spent nearly 10 mins insisting otherwise.
I love Gael, but say Fabio had held one of those two match points.
That is all.
(Photos: Getty)